CAMPUS GIRLS: Buy her unique clothes from the city stalls; pick her up from her hostel in a borrowed BMW or ‘Blue Subaru’. Take her to Java then to Club Tribeka or Skyluxx every Friday and Saturday and she will unleash it for you in the car.
KAREN AND KILELESHWA GIRLS: These ones embrace the phrase ‘Hard To get’ like it’s David Livingstone who said it. You vibe her in English, flirt with her, feed her family and friends, take her on a date at Lepalanka, buy her a Samsung galaxy and she loses it in one week. You give her quarter of your salary then she can let you kiss her. But don’t let her shinanigans stress you. You just have to be smart. If you want to end up in her Disneyland, take her for shopping at Sarit Centre and tell her you have business deals with Chris Kirubi at 10 the next day. She will spread it all for you.
THE ‘I WANNNA BE KIM KARDASHIAN’ GIRLS: They are also the types that want to be socialites. Locally, Vera Sidika is their role model. They’ll do anything for cheap fame. Just lie to her that you are back from Marbella Spain or Las Vegas USA and that you are a renowned video director. She will let you to mumunya her in her bed. However, make sure you survey the room, these girls always have cameras, and you may appear on blogs or the next Riveroad p0rn movie.
CHURCH GIRLS (Kondoo wa uongo): Just tell her that you are from a rich family and that your father works with T.D Jakes in Minnesota and she will believe you! Or tell her you are a son to a Bishop hence you intend to become a priest. Add that she is the one you saw in your dream after an angel appeared to you. Better yet, tell her she has a voice beautiful enough to make her the next Christina Shusho. You will be swimming in her YOYO, probably in a Proboz on a kesha night..
THE ‘BRAINWASHED BY SOAPS’ GIRLS: Just vibe her in fluent English, show that you are a focused and romantic man. Practice that bedroom style she only sees in the ‘Single Ladies’ TV series then call her your butter and honey, Take her on movie and lunch dates and in 9 months you will be having triplets.
THE MBOCHES: You vibe her in her mother tongue, buy her cheap perfume from hawkers, continue vibing her in her mother tongue, take her out on Sunday to a Church when the ‘mama wa nyumba’ has given her an off. Make her take ushamba pictures at KICC and she will let you taste her places.
THE ‘HUNGRY FOR LIFE’ GIRLS: Promise her you'll take her on a romantic trip to the coast, invest in her boutique business but just be cautious enough to avoid lengthy explanations because she will comprehend in just a blink of an eye and see through your lies. Just touch on bossy issues and you'll be touring her hidden territories a.s.a.p.
THE ‘TEAM THIRSTY’ GIRLS: Vibe her in English, she’ll pretend she’s not interested, vibe her in Sheng, she will pretend she didn’t hear but just talk dirty to her and place your hand on hers and she will begin saying ’yes yes’ as she leads your hands too her places.
THE ‘GUZZLER’: She pretends to drink like a connoisseur but she guzzles down several liters of beer. Alcohol is her fuel. She’s always at clubs and attends all events, with some guy’s money of course. Just buy her beer and tell her how beautiful she is then she’ll let you tell her more about it in bed.
