1. Cuddling. We get it, it’s nice, but sometimes you just take it too far.
2. When you do a dead starfish. Please don’t just lie there and do nothing, it’s the least sexy thing ever.
3. When you fall asleep halfway through. Mortifying.
4. When you ask 100 questions, especially after sex. Please don’t ask, “How was that for you?” Not ever.
5. Sometimes after we’ve had sex we just want to go to sleep. Please don’t get annoyed when we don’t want to stay up and talk.
6. When you change into hideous “comfy” pyjamas as soon as the sex is over, especially if they resemble your late grandmother’s curtains.
7. When you start running/waddling out of the room immediately after to “clean up”.
8. When we want to have sex and you say you’re too tired. That makes us very sad.
9. Going way over the top with noises – I once received a noise complaint, it’s thoroughly embarrassing.
10. When you go to the loo with the door open before or after sex – or worse, just as things are about to get going. So gross.
11. When you take it really personally when we can’t orgasm. Especially when you say, “Was it something I did?”
12. When you give us a blow job and then run off to spit everything out the moment we’ve finished. Come on, be a bit more discreet.
13. When you stop making an effort with your underwear. I don’t want to see your granny pants on a daily basis.
14. If, as soon as you take off your underwear, the room smells like a fish market – at that point it is my legal right to wind things up.
15. Biting, in a bad way. When giving blow jobs, please keep your teeth away from my penis. It is not a meal.
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