No matter whose semen it is, it tastes like a cross between sour juice, bitters, mold, and a dirty sock. Even Bobby Flay couldn't make this milky concoction taste good. I've hypothesized women who say it tastes good are either a) lying or b) have tastebuds damaged by years of smoking. But I don't smoke ... and like Abe Lincoln, I cannot tell a lie. I love a nice pearl necklace, but the taste of semen makes me gag.
Maybe it's nature's way of saying put that sperm in your vagina, but I couldn't care less. I am dedicated to being a good girlfriend. I wanted to enjoy his man chowder. I wanted to relish it with the same fervor I do a bowl of Ben and Jerry's Heath Bar Crunch. Intrepid scientist that I am, I wanted to know how to make it taste better.
To be fair (and in the interest of improving people's lives everywhere) we decided I should partake in the experiment as well. Although my boyfriend, (we'll call him M), thinks I taste and smell like daisies and peaches, he's experienced many a lady who was a little funky below the belt (he chalked it up to bad hygiene). He was skeptical that changing my diet would make any difference given that vaginal lubrication isn't exactly liquid. But in altering my diet we were hoping to at least find out.
Men and women of the world, you're welcome.
1. Pineapple Juice
Since what seems like the invention of the juicer, the wonders of pineapple juice have been lauded for their semen-sweetening abilities. And after my first sip I can see why; it's like drinking a glass of sugar water. So sweet is the bright yellow-orange juice I feel like I might instantly go into diabetic shock. And I'm not even diabetic. M, for his part isn't as grossed out at first, but after three days emphatically tells me he can't possibly drink another glass of pineapple juice without hurling.
We had our first tasting while on a southwest road trip. It was a warm summer day, the scenery was beautiful, and I felt inspired to make the drive a little more exciting. So while M was driving, I unzipped his pants and went to work. Maybe it was the wind blowing in our hair or the bubbling sounds of the river next to us, but M came faster than he ever had. Swishing him around my mouth, I realized it actually did taste significantly sweeter. Not coconut crème brûlée sweet, but sweet enough to neutralize any harsh flavors. Gone was the bitter, sour, taste and its place was a neutral lightly sugary taste that was much more palatable than the original. To M's delight, I let out an enthusiastic "mmmmm!" I was surprised and excited; maybe I could start to swallow without gagging!
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When we finally got to our destination, M quickly threw me on my back and went to work downstairs. Fortunately for me he had nothing to report. I still tasted and smelled exactly the same. Given how foul pineapple juice is, the last thing I needed was for him to get addicted to my pineapple-infused method regions.
2. Celery
After doing some research, I begin to suspect M has tricked me. Celery is known more for increasing liquid volume not changing flavor. Perhaps he's just looking forward to giving me a larger pearl necklace? According to connoisseur of all things sex-related, Motley Crüe drummer Tommy Lee in his book Tommyland asked porn star Peter North how he "sandblasts every single girl in his scenes with a gallon of man juice." To which North told him to eat a bunch of celery the day before.
When I confront him, M insists he was not trying to fool me and that he really heard celery makes semen taste good. So we proceed as planned. Perhaps the celery would even produce the elusive female jizz. In case you're wondering, a bunch of celery is a lot. At 6'3, M can eat all day long and had no problem incorporating the celery into his diet (though by day three even he's sick of it). At 5'1, I have the metabolism and appetite of a small bird. Eating that much celery causes me to eliminate things I actually enjoy eating. For example, instead of my normal scrambled eggs for breakfast I am now eating celery with peanut butter. Snack time, I skip mixed nuts for celery with ranch.
Three days later, stuffed to the gills with celery, we take turns going down on each other while watching a basketball game on my sofa. I brace myself waiting for a geyser of semen to shoot out at me. Instead all I got was the normal load. I suppose if I had been trying to get pregnant I'd be disappointed, but seeing as I wasn't I was thrilled to not have to swallow any extra. Flavorwise, the semen sample was better tasting than normal (as in not bitter or salty) but not as good as the sweeter pineapple-infused version.
As for me, M, (as he predicted), couldn't tell the difference even after a good 20 minutes of oral.
3. Meat
It's been suggested that vegetarians "taste better." And as someone who is a vegetarian (or pescatarian, to be exact) I wanted to prove that this axiom was true. M is not only a meat eater but a hunter so he's been not-so-secretly hoping that I would join the other team. So of course, he was thrilled with this part of our experiment. I was just excited to prove that I would taste and smell stinky after eating meat. Trying to create a smelly vagina for my boyfriend might be a first.
So for three days, I stopped being a vegetarian and chowed down on everything from bacon to sausage to pork chops. M increased his meat intake, eating jerky for snacks and forgoing vegetables.
When it came to showtime, we were a little exhausted after what was a long day for both of us. Our normally spontaneous sex sessions had taken on a bit too much planning and regulation. Nonetheless, even though we both wanted to sleep, we soldiered on. He headed down south, while I eagerly hoped I didn't taste good. But alas after he finished me off, he came back up to report that once again he tasted no difference.
I felt let down by friends at PETA but I focused on my work ahead of me. I slid down between his legs, until he was ready to come. The verdict? Pretty much the same as his normal stuff. I guess he wouldn't be giving up meat anytime soon.
4. Masque Flavor Strips
Given that downing the same thing constantly over the course of three days was making us ill and becoming very repetitive, we were thrilled to discover an easier solution: Masque Flavor Strips. One of the benefits of being a sex writer is that you learn about products that a normal person would never even conceive of.
The strips are dissolvable flavored strips that are meant to be put in your mouth 15 minutes before fellatio. They come in four flavors; strawberry, watermelon, mango and chocolate. I decided to go for strawberry since as an amateur cook, that seemed like the flavor that would go best with cum. To get us back to spontaneous, I decided my best course of action would be to surprise him in the morning before work with a BJ. After having non-taste test sex, we fell asleep and around 6 am. I secretly slipped one of the strips in my mouth, shoved the blankets aside and went to work. M was pleasantly surprised and when he came 10 minutes later I was surprised too; the strip actually worked!
It didn’t offer 100 percent taste coverage but it did mask about 80 percent of the flavor making it much easier to swallow and ultimately more enjoyable for him. The only problem? The packaging is almost impossible to rip open which is a major buzzkill in the moment. In the future, I will definitely prepare by cutting open a package ahead of time. M returned the favor by popping a strip into his mouth and going down on me. At this point, I was unsurprised when he came back up telling me he didn't really need it. If anything, it was distracting since he liked my actual taste. I knew I loved him for a reason.
Final Thoughts:
I learned something very important from this experiment; force feeding yourself (or your partner) in the name of making your juices taste better is not worth it. That said, it was fun to finally test this longstanding notion. I think I can firmly conclude that pineapple juice does in fact alter the taste of semen. Lady juices, not so much which is great for me since I won’t have to drink gallons of pineapple juice. Bummer for any women out there who have funky vaginas.
Flavorwise, it seems it's a tie between pineapple juice and the flavor strips. The pineapple juice definitely made M's man juice taste better, but drinking pineapple juice three times a day is way too much. But M did enjoy my reaction to his sweetened splooge, so he may try one glass a day or even three for special occasions, like birthdays and anniversaries.
In the meantime, I think I'll just stick to the flavor strips.
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